She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
my liver is dry heaving
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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