I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
