were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
