Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
