Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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