WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize