got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
