No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
