Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
