I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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