I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
