would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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