I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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