shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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