Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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