I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
