just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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