took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
