My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
