who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
