If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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