It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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