the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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