After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
