good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize