Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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