i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
