I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
