I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
