Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize