I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
