I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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