I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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