I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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