My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
