omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
