I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
