Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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