I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i think im in europe. pls send help
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