i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
