you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
