i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
