Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
