Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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