Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
