at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize