sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
