Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
