I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
