You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
