you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
