Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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