gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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