I'd wear matching sweaters with you
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
