You made me cry and you don't even care
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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