You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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