Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
